The Villain Chair

Never in human history has a piece of furniture been more aptly named.

Mine is being delivered on Friday.

How Many Fingers Do You See?

The counter-revolutionaries firemen who were hauled before a disciplinary hearing for refusing to hand out leaflets at a gay pride parade in Glasgow because, in some cases, of religious or moral grounds, have been found guilty of thoughtcrime and sentenced to political re-education "diversity training."

The boys at Room 101 were unavailable for comment.

Robotender

SCIENCE!

BBC NEWS: Many pregnant women 'unprepared'

Hence their condition.

Airfix Comes Unglued

Not a big story, but I didn't want the joke to go to waste.

Scream and Scream Again

The insurers on being told that the $51 million painting had gone missing.

Norwegian police have recovered Edvard Munch's The Scream.

The Munch Museum can now take down the painting of happy kittens that's been taking its place for two years.

Parking Department

From the Scotsman:

Woman sawn in half over parking row

Good to see no one was over-reacting here.

At My Signal, Unleash Heck

The deadline has been passed for Iran to comply with the UN demands that it relinquish its nuclear weapons uranium enrichment programme or face... Well, not much of anything really.

Stand by as the Security Council shows its wrath by forwarding a motion to discuss considering a task force to study the feasibility of proposing that a committee be formed to draught a resolution to debate the merits of outlining the foundations of a consensus to agree in principle to a non-binding resolution of intent to provisionally censor Iran.

The mullahs will be trembling in their boots.

Ha Harr!

Pirate clergy, by the powers!

Lying in Luxury

Dying for a bit of designer elegance tinged with eco-friendly smugness? Then for $3500 you can enjoy (if that's the word for it) the Cocoon; a chic new coffin by Andreas Spiegel that not only sports elegant lines and handles so inconveniently placed that your pall bearers will curse your name forever, but it is also made out of soy-based resins so that it will decompose in about fifteen years.

What a wonder of modern mortuary science! A century of progress and they've re-invented the pine box.

Dear Santa

If anyone is wondering what to get me for Christmas, the Armet Gurkha will do me just fine, thank you. It's a snip at only $200,000 and you can forget the stocking stuffers.

Buck Rogers, Call Your Service

DIY jet pack.

Smoke Screen

The chief of the Edinburgh Fringe is petitioning the Scottish executive for an exemption to the asinine smoking ban by allowing actors to light up herbal cigarettes on stage and in film studios, otherwise many plays and films will be impossible to produce in Scotland.

Though the idea has garnered some positive feedback, Celia Stevenson, a spokeswoman for Scottish Screen, is having nothing to do with it,

We would be very happy to talk to Mr Gudgin about his views but smoking on screen can encourage people to smoke and we do not want to do that.

Judging from the state of current cinema, this observation does not apply to portrayals of promiscuity, violence, political radicalism, coarse manners, sexual deviancy or bad acting.

Well, That's Nice... WHAT!?!?

TripAdvisor has declared that London has the best public transport in the world.

In other news, TripAdvisor owes me a new keyboard and monitor, as my current ones are now drenched in tea.

E-Ink Takes Another Step

File this under "cool." Philips has come out with a working prototype of a text reader with a roll-up flatscreen.

As Night Follows Day

In the wake of Scotland's draconian anti-smoking laws, some pubs are turning into after hours "smoke-easies."

Also, apparently Edinburgh has "smoking enforcement officers." Good to know that all those burglaries, violent crimes, drug dealing, illegal immigration and terrorism have finally been brought under control so that the local government can free up manpower for hunting down the real enemies of society.

Update: Snack-easies.

Two Generations of Indigestion

Ronald McDonald has been around for 43 years.

The horror... The horror...

A Fallout Shelter World

I've always said that the war against the Jihadists was a choice between hard decisions now and impossible decisions later. Over at NRO, Stanley Kurtz sums up one of those choices regarding Iran: preemptive war today or permanent war tommorow.

A Ray of Light

Ron Liddle inthe Sunday Times:

Quick, somebody buy a wreath. Last week marked the passing of multiculturalism as official government doctrine. No longer will opponents of this corrosive and divisive creed be silenced simply by the massed Pavlovian ovine accusation: “Racist!” Better still, the very people who foisted multiculturalism upon the country are the ones who have decided that it has now outlived its usefulness — that is, the political left.

...

Multiculturalism insisted that communities always changed, were in a permanent state of flux and that if you were white and lived in Oldham or Burnley or Tower Hamlets then you had better get used to the idea quickly.

This was a doublethink because the same latitude was not extended to the host population; while it was accepted that immigrants would naturally wish to band together and preserve their cultural identity, when the white working-class communities made similar protestations, this was regarded, once again, as evidence of an antediluvian racism. Your fish and chip shop is now a halal butcher? Your daughter’s school now has a majority of Urdu-speaking children? Good! Celebrate the change! Get over it.

One assumes that (Ruth) Kelly would still be telling the white working class to get over it were it not for the BNP’s inroads into the Labour vote (where they have candidates who can read without moving their lips over every word) and, of course, the presence within our midst of people who are possessed of such a loathing of our culture, of our very existence, that they wish to kill us all.

Orthodoxy Must Be Maintained

From the BBC:

Four firefighters have appeared before a disciplinary hearing over their refusal to hand out leaflets at a gay pride march in Glasgow.

These chaps are lucky they're only facing a disciplinary hearing for refusing to attend a political march and not a visit from the police as other perpetrators of thoughtcrime have.

All Outer Pary members are reminded that the Revolution will always be in danger so long as free men are allowed to follow their conscience rather than the Party line.

Vorsprung Durch Technik

Car safety takes on a whole new meaning.

Result!

From the Scotsman:

Playwright Harold Pinter revealed yesterday that he has given up writing altogether.

Rejoice! A great weight has been lifted from the world. A new era dawns upon us. To quote Groucho Marx:

Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor.

Daleks at Home

Spike Milligan reveals the truth about Dalek home life.

Bin Brother is Watching You

From the Guardian:

Half a million household wheelie bins have been secretly tagged with hidden electronic 'bugs', it has been reported.

The tiny devices identify each bin so that records can be kept on the waste disposal habits of its owners, and up to 500,000 bins in council districts across England are thought to have already been fitted.

In other news, all citizens, starting with Outer Party members, can expect to receive their telescreens shortly and the anti-sex leaqgue is accepting new memberships. Remember our boys on the Malabar front.

Poll Results

Believe It or Not, People Once Enjoyed Flying

Mr. Sellers in the days when a man could wander around the tarmac with a champagne bottle and no one notices.

If

International troops could be sent to the Gaza Strip if the force being deployed in Lebanon proves successful, Italian foreign minister Massimo D'Alema said in remarks published on Friday.

So in other words, amazingly unlikely.

Las Vegas to close all-night marriage counter

Rumour has it that this is was prompted by hotel staff who were getting tired of guests waking up and going NYAAH!

Space Mutiny

Stock up on the bottled water and barricade the doors. Things are getting ugly over the question of whether or not Pluto is a planet as some astronomers claim the 9^th planet was ousted from the roll of honour by a revolt of outraged dynamicists. According to Harvard emeritus professor Owen Gingerich,

In our initial proposal we took the definition of a planet that the planetary geologists would like. The dynamicists felt terribly insulted that we had not consulted with them to get their views. Somehow, there were enough of them to raise a big hue and cry.

Security forces are on high alert as Sir Patrick Moore pleads for calm and a bacon sandwich.

Definitely Not a "Pocket" Knife

And now for something completely different: A two pound, 85-instrument Swiss Army knife.

You could seriously hurt yourself using the corkscrew.

Chips with Everything

Feeling that the traditional dog tags are "too 20^th century," VeriChip is lobbying the Pentagon to allow them to insert microchips in all American servicemen.

File this one under incredibly scary.

Another Nail

From the Scotsman:

Britain has lost the battle to continue making national favourite HP sauce - after food giant Heinz announced that plans to transfer production to the Netherlands will go ahead, despite a vociferous campaign against the move.

BBC NEWS: Pluto loses status as a planet

Property values plummet.

Get a Life

A breath of fresh air from Bill Callaghan, chairman of Scotland's Health and Saftey Commission regarding the sort of PC insanity that results in the banning of conkers and oranges in schools and hides an ugly truth (emphasis added):

Some of the 'health and safety' stories are just myths. There are also some instances where health and safety is used as an excuse to justify unpopular decisions. But behind many of the stories there is at least a grain of truth - someone really has made a stupid decision.

We're determined to tackle all three. My message is that if you're using health and safety to stop everyday activities - get a life and let others get on with theirs.

More and faster, please.

A New Low

The BBC has now plumbed the depths of dhimmitude with its decision to pull a comedy show that had a segment where "Rolf Harris" drew a picture of Mohammed.

What's special about this bit of cowardice? It was a radio show.

BBC NEWS: Nasa Names New Spacecraft 'Orion'

This was actually their second choice, but Robin Day already has a hedgehog named "Frank."

Forget Killer Bees: Watch Out for the Wasps!

Yellowjackets are building nests the size of a Volkswagen-- or, at least, the interior of a 1955 Chevrolet.

I suppose it's better than yellowjackets the size of Volkswagens, but not by much.

First They Came for the Smokers and I Said Nothing

Scotland has banned smoking, swords and now they're trying to outlaw buying a round in the pub.

All that damn liberty; always getting in the way.

Headline of the Day

Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia

Ultraviolet Bread

So fresh; so fluorescent.

Jaw-Dropper of the Day

From Reuters (emphasis added):

Italy, which is expected to lead a U.N. peacekeeping force in Lebanon, said on Tuesday it would provide 2,000 to 3,000 troops for the force provided Israel did not violate the U.N.-brokered truce.

Foreign Minister Massimo D'Alema said in an interview with the newspaper La Repubblica, that Italy would be unable to send any troops to Lebanon if Israel "keeps shooting."

"From Israel, we expect a renewed effort, this time truly binding, to respect the ceasefire," D'Alema said. "It's fair to expect that Hizbollah put down their weapons, but we cannot send our troops to Lebanon if the (Israeli) army keeps shooting."

Makes sense. After all, if you can't trust a genocidal Jihadi terrorist who uses his own people for human shields, who can you trust?

Good, Bad and Qualified Great

The good news is that Iran has not taken the opportunity of responding to the West about its nuclear weapons power programme by lobbing a missile at Jerusalem. The bad news is that Tehran has said that it is not giving up its quest of nuclear weapons peaceful civilian power plants. The qualified great news is that this is pretty good evidence that Iran does not have the bomb-- yet.

Mind you, it's still early evening in Iran as I write this, so I'm not going to breathe easy for a few hours yet.

When Marketing Research Goes Horribly Wrong.

They aren't kidding. A new Hitler theme restaurant has opened in Bombay. According to owner Punit Shablok,

We wanted to be different. This is one name that will stay in people's minds,

It's a name that will stay all right-- look how well the Cafe Ptomaine did.

Word on the Eve of Armageddon?

Iranian President Ahmadinejad addressing the United States and Britain in a recent television address:

If you want to have good relations with the Iranian people in the future, you should acknowledge the right and the might of the Iranian people, and you should bow and surrender to the might of the Iranian people. If you do not accept this, the Iranian people will force you to bow and surrender.

Iran has said that it will give its answer to the world about halting its nuclear programme on the 22^nd of August-- a day in Shiite mythology associated with the coming apocalypse. When a nut job like Ahmadinejad gases on about forcing us to "bow and surrender," I begin to worry that his answer might be more than some ill-chosen words.

Metropolitan Police Translator

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair:

People can leave doors unlocked

Translation:

Might as well; there's nothing left to steal anyway

Self-Playing Violin

Always wanted to play the violin, but can't stand the idea of all those years of caterwauling and cat-scratching as you practice day and night before you produce anything that even remotely resembles a tune? Got $17,500? Then you can finally cut out the middleman and buy this fiddle that plays itself.

Scotsman.com News - Madonna: 'Use Kaballah on nuclear waste'

It's time to call the mothership for a pick-up.

Scientists: Television is Pain Killer for Babies

I Guess "mind-numbing programming" is meant to be taken literally.

Spin Out

The Doctor Who spin-off starring Billie Piper titled Rose Tyler: Earth Defence has been cancelled before it even went into production on the grounds that it was a "spin too far."

There, you see; there is a God!

Flying Mutiny Airlines

The passengers on a British flight from Malaga refused to board the aircraft because of two men of "Asian appearance" who wore heavy clothing, kept looking at their watches and seemed to be speaking Arabic. Eventually, the Captain said he would not leave with the men onboard and authorities escorted them off to take a later flight. There was no overt demonstration on the part of the passengers, indeed the news reports referred to the scene as very calm and polite, though this didn't keep boingboing from describing the episode this way:

Shocking -- who'd have thought that putting signs everywhere telling you that you were in danger of terrorists and that terrorists were everywhere and that you should look out for suspicious terrorism behavior would turn normal people into witch-hunting racist mobs?

Meanwhile, the ever-perceptive Glenn Reynolds had his own take:

The two guys were likely entirely innocent, and didn't deserve this, but this is the kind of thing that happens when people don't trust the authorities to protect them. Over time, I fear that excessive political correctness on the part of governments will breed the reverse elsewhere.

In this war, many governments in the West are forgetting that their first duty is to protect the well-being of their citizens. If the people lose confidence in the willingness of their elected representatives to do this, the government shouldn't be surprised if the people refuse to offer their necks to the knives. Meanwhile, the left should remember that a healthy suspicion of a possible threat is streets away form a "witch-hunting racist mob."

BBC Translation Service II

BBC headline:

Israeli commando raid alarms UN

Translation:

UN ignores Hezbollah arms shipments

The Mask Slips

This little nugget from China's UN ambassador Sha Zukang:

The population of China is six times as much as that of the United States. So, it’s time for Americans to shut up and keep quiet. They will be better off like this.

Okay. Now watch the Pentagon's budget double.

BBC Translation Service

BBC Headline:

Beirut fury at 'ceasefire breach'

Translation:

Israeli commandos intercept illicit Hezbollah arms shipments