Climate of Fear

From the Evening Standard:

Information Commissioner Richard Thomas will publish a report highlighting the "creeping encroachment" on civil liberties by the Government and official bodies.

The report accuses ministers of creating a climate of fear through increasing use of CCTV cameras, the computer tracking of shopping habits and plans for ID cards.

Mr Thomas, who three years ago warned that Britain is "sleepwalking into a surveillance society", argues that his fears may have already been realised.

You always see the train right before it hits you.

The Point That Isn't a Point

From the BBC:

University heads in the UK have rejected warnings that the European Commission is trying to wrest control of higher education from member states.

Universities UK said there was "no sign of a conspiracy" to take over the process of making degrees more comparable across Europe.

Quite right. There's no conspiracy; they're being blatantly obvious about it.

Sigmund Freud, Call Your Service

And now, from the Land of the Rising Sun (and very likely the Sirus Cybernetics Corporation) comes a water closet that not only keeps track of your toilet habits so that it can "serve" you better, but, God help us all, sings to you as well.

I suspect that this is the default tune:

Share and Enjoy
Share and Enjoy
Journey through life
With a plastic boy
Or Girl by your side
Let your pal be your guide
And when it breaks down
Or starts to annoy
Or grinds when it moves
And gives you no joy
Cos it's eaten your hat
Or had sex with your cat
Bled oil on your floor
Or ripped off your door
You get to the point
You can't stand any more
Bring it to us, we won't give a fig
We'll tell you,
'Go stick your head in a pig'.

Cabin in the Sky

If you're flying from London to Delhi, are not claustrophobic and have £4,422 rattling around loose in your pocket, you can forego even the first-class cabin in favour of your very own 26-square foot stateroom complete with seven-foot bed and complimentary Dom Perignon.

Meanwhile, yours truly will keep making do with the equivalent of a flying third-class railway carriage with complimentary nothing and a fervent prayer that the toilet is still operational.

Kitchen: 1999

Kitchen... of the FUTURE courtesy of the Philco-Ford Corporation.

Clever, but the moment the foodatron starts vetoing my menu requests is the moment I have a quiet word with the thing involving its CPU and a very large hammer.

Dog Days

Light entries this weekend as I'm installing one of those invisible dog fence things, which turns out to be a bit more complicated than it sounds.

Here's a helpful tip: When you've got the perimeter wire installed and you're adjusting the settings on the control box, it is not a good idea to be holding the receiver collar with the electrical contacts face down in the palm of your other hand.

Designer Dystopia

Mark Henederson has a very good corrective in the Times about the fear of designer babies that is both reassuring and frightening because Mr. Henderson misses one very important point (emphasis added).

It is easy, though, to get carried away by cliché. Talk of designer babies, slippery slopes and brave new worlds adds little to constructive debate about PGD (Pre-implantion Genetiuc Diagnosis), because its dystopian potential is firmly limited by science.

This is very true, as far as it goes. Human genetic engineering is actually far more difficult and problematic than popular science would lead one to believe and the prospects of a Huxleyesque Brave New World are remote. Human beings aren't as genetically variable as other species, they are very difficult to engineer, take a very long time to reproduce, and stakes of even a single failure are so high that anything like a true eugenics programme would require a dictatorship of phenomenal reach, dedication and longevity. As Mr. Henderson says, we are not heading for a Gattaca situation of genetic Übermensch lording it over the rest.

Or are we? Even though it had Ethan Hawke starring in it and the painful presence of Gore Vidal in a supporting role, I found the scenario presented in Gattaca to be a compelling one; not because it depicted a world of godlike beings, but because it presented exactly the opposite. The "Valids" of Gattaca, as the genetically-engineered upper class were called, may have been carefully screened for things like heart disease or myopia, but the story made it clear that they were in no way supermen. They were merely treated as if they were. And in an oligarchy that is more than enough, as a brief glance at any Communist state will show.

In other words, it isn't a matter of true genetics, but of false aristocracy. The danger is that designer babies have the potential of being regarded as separate from the rest of humanity by way of their origins. They may not be Übermensch or Untermensch, but they could end up being seen as such regardless. From there, the slippery slope leads to caste, prejudice and a racial barrier more permanent than anything marked by skin colour. Whether the designed lord over us as Alphas to our Gammas or vice versa is immaterial. The damage will have been done.

Perhaps Brave New World isn't so far off after all.

Al Qaeda Round Up

From the Times:

A top al-Qaeda commander linked to a string of international terror attacks has been captured trying to enter Iraq and is in US custody, the Pentagon said today.

Between that and the Saudi's scooping 172 terrorists (if the report is credible), this has been a very good day.

The Life of a Writer

Yes, this is pretty much how I handle my professional correspondence.

The Emperor's Entree

I hate the snobbery of it. I hate food being overworked. Most chefs paint pictures on plates to hide their lack of technical ability. They are doing it for themselves, not for their guests.

Marco Pierre White on making food into little towers and other bits of over-complicated culinary insanity.

Long live roast beef and Yorkshire pud!

Priorities III

Scientists have come up with the mathematical formula for the perfect head on a pint of beer.

Cancer cure any day now.

US Congress Turns French

The United States Congress has voted to surrender in Iraq-- apparently unconditionally, as they have yet to contact the Jihadists about terms and concessions.

High fives all around at Al Qaeda HQ.

Update: Courtesy of the EI time scanner, we present a view of the American embassy in Baghdad, March 2008.

Hal 9000 Unavailable for Comment

British scientists have come up with a surveillance camera system that can read lips.

Marvellous. Add that to the cameras with built-in Tannoys, the ones hidden in bean tins, and the ones that spy on you before you do anything wrong, and you'll leave the thoughtcriminal no place to hide.

And They'll Be Cranking It Up To Eleven

Spinal Tap are reuniting.

The Ruttles were unavailable for comment.

Update: I'd comment on why they're getting together again, but as this is a mock band supporting a global warming event, I prefer to refrain from fish in barrels.

Jaguar Retires

The Jaguar ground attack aircraft is being retired from RAF service next month after thirty four years of protecting the realm.

Well done, thou good and faithful servant

Booze Belt

Greatest. Invention. Ever.

Never Bring a Catapult to a Crocodile Fight

A nine-year old Chinese boy and his friends climbed into a crocodile pit and taunted the reptiles with sticks and a catapult. Guess how it ended.

Yup.

Abu Izzadeen arrested

Abu Izzadeen and five others in Britain have been detained on terrorism charges.

Always a good day when one of the bigger fish gets netted.

Peace in Our Time

Senate Majority Leader Harry "The war is lost" Reid on Kosovo (Emphasis added):

Just a reminder to the predominantly Muslim-led government[s] in this world that here is yet another example that the United States leads the way for the creation of a predominantly Muslim country in the very heart of Europe. This should be noted by both responsible leaders of Islamic governments, such as Indonesia, and also for jihadists of all color and hue. The United States' principles are universal, and in this instance, the United States stands foursquare for the creation of an overwhelmingly Muslim country in the very heart of Europe.

Translation: "We're good dhimmis. Here is your Sudetenland. Take it and don't hurt us, please."

Someone hand Senator Reid his umbrella.

Missing Factor

The BBC is running a feature article on the "flight" of middle-class Muslims from Britain for the more "tolerant" climes of the Middle East.

The reasons for their being so fed up with life under the Union Jack are cited by the Beeb as "Islamophobia," a "witch hunt" and "glass ceilings"against Muslims, "an environment where the messages in the media are anti-Islamic" and "intense pressure to explain their faith and its place in British society."

One tiny factor that is left out of the BBC's leave-no-stone-unturned approach to journalism might be that perhaps there is this little matter of a war against crazed Jihadists who wish to destroy civilisation and have demonstrated this in the Mosques and on the streets of London with words and bloody deeds and the marked reluctance moderate Muslims have in speaking out-- much less in taking a hand in combating these barbarians. Yet, if this article is to be believed (which is problematic), middle-class Muslims regard the British people and Her Majesty's Government as their enemy, not the Jihadists who hate moderate Muslims as much as they do the infidels.

Perhaps Muslims in Britain who are packing their bags would get a better reception if they chose the side of civilisation and the resolve of fight over flight.

Daily Planet Scooped

From the BBC:

'Kryptonite' discovered in mine

Clark Kent was unable to file his report owing to a sudden illness.

Wipe Out

Sheryl Crow on Saving the Planet:

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

And the case against Ms. Crow's appointment as environment minister (or toilet attendant, for that matter) is proven.

Al Qaeda's Hiroshima

From the Daily Telegraph:

Al-Qaeda leaders in Iraq are planning the first "large-scale" terrorist attacks on Britain and other western targets with the help of supporters in Iran, according to a leaked intelligence report.

Spy chiefs warn that one operative had said he was planning an attack on "a par with Hiroshima and Nagasaki" in an attempt to "shake the Roman throne", a reference to the West, according to The Times newspaper in the UK.

We can hope that this is just bluster and wishful thinking. We can also stick our heads in the sand and hope it all goes away. As 9/11, 7/7, Madrid, Bali, Breslan and other plots too numerous to mention from Baghdad to Canada illustrate, for Al Qaeda and their ilk it isn't a matter of motives, but of means.

Sharia Bonds

From the Times (emphasis added):

Muslims keen to comply with the financial strictures of religious Islamic law may be able to buy Premium Bonds for the first time after a government review announced yesterday.

Ed Balls, the Treasury Minister in charge of City affairs, wants all types of government-sponsored savings products to be accessible to those who adhere to Sharia.

If lemmings ever become extinct, at least we'll have Her Majesty's Government to take their place.

For now.

Boris Yeltsin Dead

Boris Yeltsin, President of Russia from 1991 to 1999, the man who faced down a Communist counter-revolution in 1993 and oversaw the dismantling of the Soviet Union has died at the age of 76.

Rumour is that his liver is still at large.

St. George's Day

This royal throne of kings, this scepter'd isle,
This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
This other Eden, demi-paradise,
This fortress built by Nature for herself
Against infection and the hand of war,
This happy breed of men, this little world,
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
Which serves it in the office of a wall,
Or as a moat defensive to a house,
Against the envy of less happier lands,
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

William Shakespeare

Richard II Act 2 Scene 1

Happy St. George's Day from Ephemeral Isle.

Canal Boat Mystery

And now, a trip to the Twilight Zone. A 43 foot long, four-foot wide canal boat with a top speed of four knots has gone missing and the police are utterly baffled as to its whereabouts.

Given that such a vessel is, as the name implies, confined to the canals and that your average canal boat is about as stealthy as a hod of bricks in the middle of the road, one must either conclude that the art of detection is not what was or that the Shropshire Union Canal has just made the Bermuda Triangle look like a goldfish bowl.

Germs

Germs come from Germany

Sexing a Tomato

Tomato cucumber salad: The light lunch of Crusader depravity

From the AP on Al Qaeda in Iraq:

American commanders cite al-Qaida's severe brand of Islam, which is so extreme that in Baqouba, al-Qaida has warned street vendors not to place tomatoes beside cucumbers because the vegetables are different genders, Col. David Sutherland said.

The question is, which one gets the burkha?

Larry and Bob were unavailable for comment.

Earth Day

Lord Summerisle: Our Earth Day special guest master of ceremonies

It's Lenin's birthday Earth Day here at Chez Szondy and as usual we're pulling out all the stops to ensure a properly go-ahead, Gaia-affirming day of smug posturing and strident self-righteousness at our anti-racist, non-patriarchal 1/3 scale recreation of Stonehenge. The Druid rune-readers have predicted an absolutely massive turnout with participants flocking from the four corners of the Earth, but seeing as we are situated on a mountain several miles from the nearest human habitation and have explicitly forbidden anyone to get here using any form of motorised transport, the exploitation of our animal brethren, or participating in the rape of our sacred planet by riding bicycles with tyres made from petroleum or rubber from plantations that encroach upon the vital reforests, we may have to resign ourselves once again with only Mr. MacGregor and his dog Samwise from down the hill coming up to point and laugh.

Nevertheless, we have a full programme of eco-friendly activities that will seem cutting edge to anyone who hasn't had an original thought since 1968. I'm not exactly sure what the programme will be, however, as it is printed with earth-friendly lampblack ink that soaks illegibly into the extremely coarse pure-hemp rag, which I am assured is much more environmentally sound than regular paper. Exactly why this is, isn't clear as the people we get it from just giggle uncontrollably whenever I ask them anything. But I am personally assured that the Aztec-Trotyskite Drum Circle Collective will pound the vegan, politically-sound skins for all their worth. What this is supposed to accomplish, I don't know. I thought it had something to do with the giant puppets, but the giant puppeteers tell me that it is the other way round.

Also on the bill of biodegradable fare is a full raft of speeches from the Chairbeing of the Nether Wallop Eco-Terrorist Brigade, the Pod Leader of the Puget Sound Friends of the Orcas and Nobody Else, Academy Award-Winning actor Earl Fatuous, the spokesman of the Gay Taliban Outreach Group, '70s folk singing sensation Joan Screech, the Hereditary President for Life of the Socialist True Democracy League, Fidel Castro (courtesy of the Stalinist West Riding Spiritualist Guild), and the Archbishop of Canterbury. These may even be somewhat understandable despite being blared through cheap, inexpertly operated, handheld megaphones. It is hoped, however, that Mr. MacGregor will refrain this year from pointing out the hypocrisy of a load of Luddites opposed to everything since the discovery of fire using electronics operated by nicad batteries to get their message across-- however incoherent it may be.

The Finchley Womyn's Anti-Industrial Commune will also be on hand with their global-warming diorama (assuming that it does not snow again) and they will be happy to explain to anyone who wants to listen, and the larger group that does not, why it is necessary for impoverished Africans to do without clean water and electricity in order to Save the Planet while reassuring everyone that the so-called developed world will soon be doing without these selfish indulgences as well. We request, however, that visitors refrain from bringing up the environmental records of the Communist Chinese and their Soviet predecessors, as this makes them a bit stroppy.

If you are attending, please remember that Earth Day is a time for us to show our proper place in Gaia's design, so the celebrations will be meat, gluten, additive, GM crop, processed food, dairy, egg, alcohol, tobacco, fish, poultry, non-organic, non-free range, non-fair trade, involuntarily harvested, preservative, vitamin, packaging, and ideologically unsound foodstuff free. You are welcome to forage for nuts and berries in the surrounding woods, but we recommend you stay clear of the fields beyond unless you want to participate in the reenactment of the hunt scene from Planet of the Apes that the local farmers have promised this year if we try that again.

Visitors are also reminded that there will be no toilet facilities whatsoever, as Chez Szondy is a soap and chemical toilet-free zone and we refuse to scar Mother Earth with latrine pits, so do remember to go before you go and make sure all your shots are up to date.

Finally, we would like to reassure our visitors that we have not forgotten our commitment to the purest of neopagan revivalism and that the traditional sunset human sacrifice will go ahead as planned. Fears that burning of the victim selected volunteer in the wicker man would have to be cancelled because of greenhouse gas emissions have at last been put to rest, as Lord Summerisle has secured the necessary carbon offsets for which he is receiving only a moderate commission fee.

Hope to see you there and enjoy yourself, if that is doctrinally possible.

The Man From Atlantis

Our Earth Day Tribute.

Let me assure you, he is dolphin safe.

Carriers Okayed

The government has given the go ahead for the construction of two new strike carriers for the Royal Navy.

It's not nearly enough (the Navy needs two carrier groups at the very least) and doesn't in any way excuse the appalling, suicidal cuts New Labour has inflicted on the Senior Service, but we should be grateful for these tiny bursts of sanity.

Headline of the Day

From the Arizona Republic:

NASA gunmen got poor job review

You think?

Dane-Geld

Something that should be cast in bronze and nailed to the desk of every politician, diplomat or editorialist who thinks it's possible to appease terrorists and tyrants.

Dane-geld

Rudyard Kipling

It is always a temptation to an armed and agile nation,

To call upon a neighbour and to say:—
“We invaded you last night—we are quite prepared to fight,
Unless you pay us cash to go away.”

And that is called asking for Dane-geld,
And the people who ask it explain
That you’ve only to pay ’em the Dane-geld
And then you’ll get rid of the Dane!

It is always a temptation to a rich and lazy nation,
To puff and look important and to say:—
“Though we know we should defeat you, we have not the time to meet you.
We will therefore pay you cash to go away.”

And that is called paying the Dane-geld;
But we’ve proved it again and again,
That if once you have paid him the Dane-geld
You never get rid of the Dane.

It is wrong to put temptation in the path of any nation,
For fear they should succumb and go astray,
So when you are requested to pay up or be molested,
You will find it better policy to say:—

“We never pay any-one Dane-geld,
No matter how trifling the cost;
For the end of that game is oppression and shame,
And the nation that plays it is lost!”

A Transatlantic Tunnel

We were started to dig under the Channel, but then it got completely out of hand

1984 in 2010

Thoughtcrime: Set to become official in Britain in 2010, thanks to the tender totalitarian mercies of the EU.

Ham Steak: The Entree of Hate

I'll have an order of dhimmitude with fried potatoes, please. Hold the common sense.

Tunnel, Vodka & Fast Cars

No matter how bad it gets, at least you aren't commuting to work through a Russian traffic tunnel-- unless you are, in which case you have my deepest sympathy.

Tiny Detail

A yacht has been found off the coast of Australia with the sails set, the engine and computers running, life jackets and emergency beacons intact, and the table set for a meal. There were no signs of anything wrong, save for a torn foresail.

All very Marie Celeste, isn't it? Even the torn sail isn't that odd, since it probably happened when the craft fell off the wind and the jib was free to flap about until it tore itself to pieces. What could possibly have happened to have plucked three people into thin air?

At least, it's mysterious if you only rely on the BBC's print version of the story, which leaves out a tiny little detail found as a mere aside in the video report: the liferafts were missing. Suddenly it goes from mysterious to prosaic as the question changes from "How did they disappear?" to "Why did they jump into the liferafts from a perfectly sound boat?"

My money is on strong current, close reef and panic, which is how a friend of mine ended up in the water off the coast of the island of Hawaii clinging to a liferaft case dropped courtesy of the US Coast Guard that lacked any sort of instructions on how to open the blasted thing* while he watched his supposedly doomed catamaran crest a wave against a lava cliff, turn 180 degrees, slip back down without a scratch and head off to New Zealand.

*His remark at the time was "What am I supposed to do? Take it home and fry it in butter?!?"

A Response to the LEP

After our post yesterday on predatory Nissans, we received a stern protest from the League of Extraordinary Pedestrians laying out conditions for allowing our electrons free passage through the blogosphere.

In response, I would point out that while I do have a stock of eggshell paper that I am utterly unable to account for, I am universally acknowledged to being a rather bloodless individual, I am hopeless at joined-up writing, I am only able to attend 35 and one half meetings of the LEP grand council if there is sufficient Guinness or cheap Chardonnay on hand at all times, I am terribly dismayed at the thought of 53 shivering bears, and Carl the Cattle Dog is indisposed because he has eaten all the chocolate.

As a consolation, Carl has agreed to send along one of his more successful attempts at self portraiture.

Even the UN Security Council couldn't get that much out of him.