Ephemeral Isle

 

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Saturday

1 January 2005

Happy New Year

As I sit here at my highly-polished 18^th century mahogany writing desk with my quill poised over foolscap and snifter of ancient Napoleon brandy at hand, I  look out from my oak-panelled study in my baronial manor at the vast country estates that form the headquarters of that thundering organ of Truth called Ephemeral Isle, where armies of stout yeomen toil in the fields and rustic workshops to produce the raw materials that are here forged into the finest prose and sharpest wit.  I finger the petals of the bowl of roses before me and reflect upon the previous year, wondering if there truly are any more worlds to conquer.  It’s been a pretty good year for the site.  We’ve gone from a readership of nil to 140,000 unique visitors and over 10,000,000 hits, which means that we are poised to overtake our rival crosseyedcatfanciers.com any month now.  We also added several new sections to Tales of Future Past with even more on the way, and we have celebrated our first successful short story contest.  Truly, what other dizzying heights can we hope to assail?

Now we come to that perilous hurdle of every publication, the New Year’s column.  I’ve never been very keen on these.  I mean, everyone over the age of one has been through the year already and you’d expect them to have a pretty good idea of what’s been going on.   If you need me to recap it all, then I suggest that you pay a bit more attention in future and invest in a good yearbook or almanac as the case may be.

The other problem with end of year columns is that time has this nasty habit of telescoping and events that may have been thundering important last January don’t get much of a look in while utter trivialities that happened today loom large in the consciousness.  Right now, for example, I’m thinking less about the signing of the Afghan constitution last January than I am about that ham I had for lunch, but maybe that’s just because I’m still a bit peckish.

Not that there haven’t been some major events to look back on in 2004.  After all:

• Afghanistan has had its first real elections since… ever.

• Sovereignty has been granted to Iraq, which is looking forward to its first elections despite the best efforts of the terrorists to prevent civilisation from taking root in Mesopotamia.

• Spain won the white feather when it turned chicken after the Madrid bombings and pulled out of the Coalition.

• George W. Bush was re-elected president of the United States with a popular and Electoral College win that has marked a real change in the American political landscape-- especially if the Democrats continue to attribute their loses to the stupidity of the electorate.

• The Tories blew any hope of winning the next election by conditionally backing the introduction of ID cards; proving once again that they have become the Democrats of British politics.

• The Netherlands has seen its multicultural experiment collapse in a ruin of murder, violence, and exodus and are acting all surprised about it.

• The UN has been rocked by corruption and sex scandals while yet another genocide festers under its watch and nobody is acting surprised about it.

• Fox hunting has finally been banned in Britain in one of the most petty class war swipes that Labour has ever perpetrated; and that's saying something!

• My two-year old daughter Emma used the potty without prompting the other day.  Okay, it's not earthshaking, but I'm getting sick of changing nappies!

• The EU has adopted a constitution that has united everyone because everyone hates it.

• The British people demonstrated that they were not going to allow the country to be chopped into EU-ready morsels and rejected the English regional assemblies in referendum.

• The world has been given the ultimate reality check when a tsunami in the Bay of Bengal left 114,000 dead and showed us that no matter what we do God has the last word after all. 

• Janet Jackson showed us that yes; it is possible to go too far.

• The Ukraine gave us all a dose of hope when the people overturned a rigged election and told the Russians that their empire is well and truly gone.

•  Yasser Arafat made his greatest contribution to peace by dying.

• The Year of Gay Marriage in the United States became the Year of No Thank You when 11 states overwhelmingly passed resolutions supporting the traditional definition of marriage.

• Libya saw the writing on the wall and surrendered its nuclear weapons programme to Britain and the US in a bid to rejoin the human race.

• NATO expanded to include Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia, and Slovenia; Putin not at all happy.

• CBS tried to take down George W. Bush with forged documents.  Dan Rather has now been forced into retirement

• The BBC tried to take down Tony Blair with false news reports.  The BBC is now wondering whether or not they’ll be hanging on to their charter.

• New York Times reporter Jayson Blair resigned after being denounced as a plagiarist.  His bosses Howell Raines and Gerald Boyd followed shortly after.

• SpaceShipOne broke the government monopoly on space travel; Nasa not happy.

• Howard Dean proved that politics and sanity don’t necessarily mix.

• The beheadings in Iraq and the atrocities in Beslan showed us once again that we really are at war and our enemies really are evil.

• And the biggest event, or non-event, has been the utter failure of the terrorists to pull off another major attack against the West for yet another year.  Thank you, Coalition forces!

• My beautiful left-leaning wife and I are on the eve of celebrating our fourth year of bipartisan marriage and she still hasn't bounced anything with knobs on off my skull.

Oh, Blazes!  There I went and did a year’s roundup anyway without meaning to!

And as the sneeze of Time is caught by the handkerchief of Destiny, we wish a Happy New Year to everyone and hope that this year will be one of peace and prosperity.

Monday

3 January 2005

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.

My how things change.  This time last year I was clobbering together one of my first columns for EI talking about how everyone was down with the flu.  Well, here it is a year later and everyone is down with the flu again or struggling out of its clutches.  I spent yesterday with the joys of 103° fevers, chills, dry heaves, inability to eat or drink, and hour after hour of drifting in and out of nightmares involving butter, pine trees, and thigh boots.  This left Mama, who was just getting over her bout, to look after Emma, who had hers a week ago and was far too energetic for a convalescent Mama to handle. 

After sleeping for approximately thirty six hours, my fever has broken, so I have Emma watching duty while Mama sleeps.  Or rather, I have feebly gesturing at the child from my chair as she runs amok duty.  Thank heavens she's preoccupied with her Noah's ark. 

And on that note, I'm dragging myself back under the blankets before the Dayquil wears off.

Drink-Drive Gondoliers

Gondoliers in Venice will now be required to undergo involuntary random breathalyser tests.  That isn't the weird part.  It's the justification.  According  to the mayor of Venice, Paolo de Costa there have been no drink-drive accidents involving gondoliers in Venice but it is:

"fair to assume that a certain percentage of gondoliers piloted their boats under the excessive influence of alcohol".

Yes, that's what we like to see: guilt by assumption!

Mark Steyn on National ID Cards

Mark Steyn's latest column in the Spectator discusses how all of the big government solutions for protecting us against terrorism actually make us less safe at the cost of our liberties.  In fact, he regards September 11th as a perfect metaphor for what is wrong with that approach:

But, as I wrote at the time, the airline cabin is the most advanced model of the modern social-democratic state, the sky-high version of the wildest dreams of big government. Up there where the air is rarefied, all your rights have been regulated away: there’s no smoking; there’s 100 per cent gun control; you’re obliged by law to do everything the cabin crew tell you; if the trolley dolly’s rude to you, tough; if you’re rude back, you’ll be arrested on landing. For 30 years passengers surrendered more and more rights for the illusion of security. So on September 11, on those first three flights, the cabin crews followed all those Federal Aviation Administration guidelines from the Seventies, and the passengers did everything they were told, and thousands of people died. By the time the fourth plane got into trouble, the passengers knew big government wasn’t up there with them and used their own wits to prevent the hijackers from reaching their target.

A must read.

Tuesday

4 January 2005

Great Moments in Space Exploration

2010: In a bold effort to make up for recent budget cuts, Nasa deploys its first wave of Robot Encyclopaedia Salesmen to the planet Mars. 

Wednesday

5 January 2005

Great Moments in Bartending

Hugo's quest for the perfect martini knew no bounds.

Thursday

6 January 2005

Great Moments in Business

Until he'd been with the firm for two years, Bill was only allowed to mime having a phone.

Friday

7 January 2005

Great Moments in Hair Care

On the plus side, Arthur's new shampoo did get rid of the dandruff.

10 January 2005

UN Accuses Peackeepers of Sex Abuse

Kofi Annan Responds

"I am shocked, shocked that there is sex abuse going on here."

Tuesday

11 January 2005

Palestinian Update

 Arafat: Still dead.

In other news: Mahmoud Abbas has been elected president of the Palestinian authority.

Wednesday

12 January 2005

Robot Monster: Bad Movie or Political Prophecy?

Peter Wood claims that the infamous stinker Robot Monster  is more than just a bad movie, it's the embodiment of the modern Democrat party!

If that's the case,  High Noon is the Republicans (you can spin this either way).

The Macintosh 1984 commercial is New Labour (and we don't mean the girl with the hammer).

 The Man Who Never Was is the Liberal Democrats.

And, of course, these guys are the Tories.

Thursday

13 January 2005

Life and Soul of the Party Department

What people loved about Brian was his infectious sense of humour.

Friday

14 January 2005

A Public Service Announcement

With the continuing controversy over Prince Harry's choice of costume at a recent fancy dress ball, we have the following public service announcement for young people everywhere:

Kids, don't dress like Hitler

Monday

17 January 2005

Great Moments in Architecture

It was at this moment that Paul conceded that he'd made a slight error in placing the main doors on the 200^th floor.

Tuesday

18 January 2005

It's Not Our Prejudice, It's For Your Own Good!

Alan was beginning to think that the government's new anti-smoking legislation had finally crossed the line.

Wednesday

19 January 2005

Look Deeply....

You cannot move your eyes away.  You're feeling drowsy.  Your eyes are getting heavy.  You are very relaxed.  You are getting sleepy... Sleepy.  You will read and enjoy Ephemeral Isle.  You will bookmark this page.  You will start your day with Ephemeral Isle.  Ephemeral Isle is the best thing on the Web.  Read Ephemeral Isle... Read Ephemeral Isle... Read Ephemeral Isle...

Thursday

20 January 2005

Television Schedule

Next on Panorama, "Blunderbusses in Space:  The Case For and Against."

Friday

21 January 2005

Great Moments in Cyberspace

As part of our ongoing series on the history of the Internet, we present this illustration of early blogging.  Note that the pyjamas are already fully developed. 

Saturday

22 January 2005

Excuse Our Dust

We're doing some overdue site maintenance, so Ephemeral Isle may not be updated for a few days.  Also, please pardon any odd graphic changes you may notice in the navigation bars. 

All part of the service.

Wednesday

23 January 2005

Be Careful What You Wish For Department

"In other news today, environmentalists have finally admitted that they may have been a tad overzealous in fighting global warming."

Sunday

30 January 2005

Welcome, Iraq!

Iraqis go to the polls

Today the people of Iraq  have become the latest members of the brotherhood of democracies.   That's another win for civilisation and another defeat for the terrorists.

Good job!

Monday

31 January 2005

Iraq Votes

60% turnout, the terrorists couldn't make good on their threats to make the streets run red with blood-- only 36 people killed by the islamofascists.  That's 36 too many, but as this is a major victory in the Iraqi campaign it could have been far worse. 

There are those who have compared 30 January to the fall of the Berlin Wall.  Perhaps that's true, but I like to think of it as being more like the Allies breaking through the German lines in '44.  The terrorists declared war on democracy and they couldn't deliver.  The Iraqis went to the polls and defied the killers.  Now the terrorists not only have lost their credibility, but they are now faced with the fact that they can no longer pretend to be at war with the "occupiers" or a "puppet" government.  They have thrown off the mask and revealed themselves as at war with the people whom they wish to enslave.  Meanwhile, the naysayers in the West are put in the awkward position of dismissing what they said could never happen.

True, one election does not make an up and running democracy and there are many hard battles ahead, but it's a start.  The Iraqis have been given the choice between civilisation and barbarism and have chosen civilisation.  With our help, they can attain it. 

It's a great day.  Despite the never ending flow of bad news from the mainstream media, we have been given a sure sign that even CNN and the BBC cannot ignore that the Iraqi campaign is being won.

And that, with God's help, we will win this war against the tyrants and terrorists.

On September 11^th the terrorists gave us death, on 30 January the Coalition gave the Iraqis a chance at  liberty.  That's what separates us from them. 

Ephemeral Isle

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