Putting It More Succinctly

Dr Payam Rezaie of the Open University's Neuropathology Research Laboratory:

BRRRRRRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!!!!!

Morris Dancers Face Extinction

Let's take a step back for a minute while we figure out which side we're on.

Sir Terry Pratchett

Congratulations, Sir Terry. It's good to see you getting a knighthood before that wretched Rowling woman who isn't fit to sharpen your pen nibs.

Logic Problem

We are Muslim, we can only eat halal food.

We are Sikh, we are forbidden to eat halal food.

And multiculti Britain is caught in the middle.

Let the games begin.

Carrier Carried Back

Owing to inevitable defence cuts, the arrival of the Royal Navy's two new carriers has been set back by about two years.

In order to fill the vulnerable gap in Britain's defences, the Foreign Office is sending a polite note to all our enemies to be good sports and hold off attacking until we're ready for them.

Can of Ham

Because ham goes well with gherkins.

Junior Newspeak

The Ministry of Truth's Oxford University Press's Junior Newspeak Dictionary will not include words that reference Christianity, royalty, Empire, myth, or the countryside, as such concepts have been decreed as thoughtcrimes for Outer Party members.

Note that "bacon" has also been declared a non-word.

Freight*BUS

A "radical" redesign of London buses that combines passenger and freight service–or just freight, to be honest, because any potential passengers would run a mile at first sight of this thing.

Have I Got News For You

The Damien Green affair as filtered through the "satire" programme "Have I Got News For You", according to Samizdata:

Ian Hislop: It is amazing, isn't it, that they were were able to get 20 or so policemen to raid Mr Green's offices and search his house. Where are all these guys when you need to catch a burglar or something?

Compere: Ah, yes, that sounds like the sort of drivel you read in the Daily Mail.

Hislop: So let me get this right - are you saying that is perfectly okay for a bunch of anti-terror policemen to arrest, search and hold an MP for asking annoying questions in the House of Commons?

Compere: I am in all in favour of putting Tory MPs in jail.

Good Lord.

'No Excuses Will Be Accepted.'

The motto of Airstrip One modern Britain.

Retreat of Empire

HMS Northumberland, the frigate that has been guarding the Falklands, will be replaced by the fleet auxiliary ships RFA Largs Bay instead of another warship because the hopelessly shrunken Royal Navy is too overstretched to meet its commitments.

In saner times, this would be a shot across Whitehall's bows that no one would dare ignore. Either increase defence spending dramatically or Britain is going to face a humiliation that it hasn't seen since Dunkirk.

Update: At least some men of integrity are taking this seriously.

Fire Hazard

Fire extinguishers are being removed from blocks of flats across Britain because they pose (wait for it) a safety hazard.

Next up, fire exits are boarded up because people might wander off and get hit by a car or fall into a hedge or something.

Tip o' the hat to Neil Russell.

Police & Parliament

This is appalling on so many levels that I don't know where to begin. The result of treating the Jihadist war as a police matter? The outcome of badly written anti-terrorism law? Abuse of police power? Violation of parliament? It stinks so much of the police state that I hesitate to use the word because I'm not sure if I'd be indulging in hyperbole or understatement.

Ah, well. It's what I get for taking a couple of days off.

Update: How the Conservatives should handle this. Though, frankly, I would rather Her Majesty do it from the throne.

HMAS Apocalypse

Despite the dreadful typo in the headline, it's actually quite a good article.

Treading the Boards

Don't knock it. At least it got him into the RSC.

Probably isn't even in Equity.

HMS Dragon Launched

Gads, she's beautiful. We need 18 more like her and her sisters at a minimum.

What's Yours is Mine

Having been told by his own review panel that it's wrong and even though it's pointless and would solve nothing, Gordon Brown is still determined to make every freeborn Englishman's organs state property.

Why let little things like facts or morality get in the way of something as vital as trampling on the most personal of freedoms?

Royal Navy Captures Pirates

What happens when you let the RN do its job.

Blow into this Bag, Please.

Scientists from Zoological Society of London are trying to work out how to breathalyse a sperm whale.

I wasn't aware that cetacean drunk driving was that big a problem.

Guycam

Something you don't see everyday: A guy burning from the guy's point of view.

Remembrance Sunday

God of our fathers, known of old--
Lord of our far-flung battle line
Beneath whose awful hand we hold
Dominion over palm and pine--
Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,
Lest we forget - lest we forget!

The tumult and the shouting dies;
The captains and the kings depart:
Still stands Thine ancient sacrifice,
An humble and a contrite heart.
Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,
Lest we forget - lest we forget!

Far-called, our navies melt away;
On dune and headland sinks the fire:
Lo, all our pomp of yesterday
Is one with Nineveh and Tyre!
Judge of the Nations, spare us yet,
Lest we forget - lest we forget!

If, drunk with sight of power, we loose
Wild tongues that have not Thee in awe--
Such boasting as the Gentiles use
Or lesser breeds without the law--
Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,
Lest we forget - lest we forget!

For heathen heart that puts her trust
In reeking tube and iron shard--
All valiant dust that builds on dust,
And guarding, calls not Thee to guard--
For frantic boast and foolish word,
Thy mercy on Thy people, Lord!

With Bated Breath

The Home Secretary Jaqui Smith says that Britons "Can't wait for ID cards".

No doubt they are also crying "Telescreens! Give us telescreens!"

Happy Guy Fawkes Day

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
Gunpowder treason and plot.
We see no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot!

Guy Fawkes, guy, t'was his intent
To blow up king and parliament.
Three score barrels were laid below
To prove old England's overthrow.

By God's mercy he was catch'd
With a darkened lantern and burning match.
So, holler boys, holler boys, Let the bells ring.
Holler boys, holler boys, God save the king.

And what shall we do with him?
Burn him!

Ryanairfare

Ryanair has announced that in the near future it will be offering flights to the US for £8.

For an additional £500 you get to sit inside the plane.

Raven Reinforcement

At least someone is taking the credit crunch seriously.

St. Crispin's Day

This speaks for itself.


And here's one I made earlier.

Actually, I much prefer the Brannagh version because it's obvious that Harry is trying to hearten his men for what he thinks is a hopeless cause, yet by the time he gets to the "we few, we happy few" bit he's convinced himself more than he has them that the Frenchies are for it.

Where's Shakespeare now that we need him?

Free Trade, My...

A British transport minister, James Fitzpatrick, has told Parliament that it is illegal for motorists to display any flag except that of the EU on their number plates.

Repeat after me: It's just a free-trade zone, it's just a free-trade zone, it's...

Sea Dog

A lost dog was found in Northumberland–three-quarters of a mile off shore.

Such a lack of any sense of direction is almost magical.

Whitewashing Hogwash

Jim Knight MP carries on the New Labour tradition of refusing to admit that the war with the Jihadists is a war and trundles out the tired line that the way to handle the situation is to get everyone to really, really like Muslims so the Faithful will behave themselves.

This sort of thing does no one any good because it trivialises an enemy who openly makes war on all civilised men of all faiths, Islam included, stirs resentment among the British people who know flannel when they see it, and treats Muslim immigrants as unruly children who must be fawned over and placated instead of responsible adults to be addressed as equals who expect no favours.

We are all in for some very rough sailing if this doesn't change.

Oh, Dear

A scientist at Leeds Metropolitan University claims to have developed a computer programme that can translate alien messages.

Here is an early sample of his results.

How to Ride a Bus

The screen crackles with excitement.

And One O' Them 'As a Greet 'Airy Clawr!

Two "aggressive alien crustaceans" are about to meet in British waters.

We all know where this sort of thing leads to.

Routemaster Revision

Good news: London Transport is looking for a new version of the classic Routemaster doubledecker.

Bad news: It's a "smiley face" contraption with inescapable telescreens televisions.

Doing Porridge

Ian Bishop of Carrbridge, Strathspey has won the World Porridge-Making Championship.

In other news, there seems to be a bit of bother down the Stock Exchange.

My Other Car

Oh, how I wish it was.

M, Call Your Service

The golden gun featured in the 1974 James Bond film has been stolen from Elstree studios.

Police are looking for a man with three nipples accompanied by a dwarf.

Inamo

ROOSTA:
It’d better be a good disco.

ZAPHOD:
Listen, if it was a good disco they wouldn’t have to give away body debit cards.

A London restaurant boasts tables with touch-sensitive surfaces that allow patrons to order meals, change the table pattern, look up "neighbourhood services" (whatever those are), and "preview" their food.

Something tells me that the preview tastes better than the real thing.

And Then They Ate The Forth Bridge

Scientists in Britain have discovered worms that can eat lead, zinc, arsenic, and copper.

Why do I regard this as the first ten minutes of a Doomwatch episode?

Jettison Cocoon!

Roman Abramovich, the owner of Chelsea football club, is spending £200 million on building a 550 ft yacht that differs from your average billionaire's floating palace in that it boasts armour plating, anti-missile radar, a 70-strong crew of ex-SAS men, and two-man escape submarine.

Mr. Abramovich claims to be adding these optional extras because of "pirates", but if a Vulcan nuclear bomber goes missing while Mr. Abramovich is sailing in the Bahamas, I'll know who to look up first.

We Will Sell No Wine Before Its Time

Which will be in about half an hour.

Wallace, Call Your Service

Andy and Sandy Rose have swept the British Cheese Awards.

In other news, there are British Cheese Awards.

The Wooden Wall Thins

As a "cost-cutting" exercise, HMS Exeter is being mothballed a year early, leaving the Royal Navy with only 19 fully operational frigates and destroyers.

Far from talking about selling off HMS Victory we may have to put her back on active service.