Clash of the clueless

When radical Feminists pick a fight with worshipers of Blessed Gaia.

I'll bring the popcorn.

Clark Kent, call your service

French scientists at the University of Lyon report finding a strange crystal harder than diamond in a Finnish meteorite.

Superman issues statement saying he's not going near Lyon without a lead suit.

France: US troops "occupying" Haiti

At least it's better than a few years ago when the Left was screaming that the US was "occupying" New Orleans.

Update: Meanwhile, a University of Washington psychologist is wringing his hands over the mental impact of the earthquake and calls for "early intervention with the psychological trauma".

This reminds me of earlier disasters in Africa where psychologists with a straight face were saying that three-quarters of the population were suffering from post-traumatic stress disorders or shooting incidents in the United States where "counselors" were virtually parachuted in before the bleeding was staunched. Clearly, it's never too early to divert scarce resources from rescue efforts when you can waste them on soft-science "intervention" that can turn a passing tragedy into a life-long torment.

Tea time

Scientists at the University of Lyon take a hard look at the physics of teapot dribbles.

They'll get on that cancer cure as soon as they've finished their chocolate digestives.

If it's French, it must be art

Oh, Lord. Cue the overacting and the screenwriter who thinks the height of drama is screaming F***. Where's Mike and the 'bots when you need them?

This is surprising?

Slate headline:

How McDonald's Conquered France

I'm only guessing, but maybe by doing what everyone else did since Joan of Arc.

Show up.

Le Rendevous

Via Last of the Few we have this film from 1978 that features a bumper's eye view of an insane car trip through Paris. It's supposed to be a sort of underground classic, but frankly it looks like every taxi ride I've ever had in Paris.

The Cabri

I want this for my second car. Heck, I'll settle for it as my first car.

Jettison Cocoon!

One of the great disappointment of the Jihadist War is that Bin Laden didn't have one of these in an escape tunnel in Tora Bora.

Renault E0

The Renault E0 ecocar: We left out the windscreen and passed on the savings to you!

The Apache

19th century French technology: A combination knuckleduster, dagger, and pepperpot revolver.

But it's most effective if kept folded up and thrown, which puts it on par with the deadly ashtray.

Recoilless Scooter

An answer to the French armaments shortage after the Second World War and a forecast of Britain's mainline armour after the next round of budget cuts.

Sarkozy Who?

Having managed to break every rule of protocol in insulting the British Prime Minister and then handing the Russians a sphincter-clinching "reset" button marked "overcharge", President Barack Hussein Obama tries for the hat trick and sends a letter to Jacques Chirac, the former
president of France, saying how much Mr. Obama looks forward to working with him in the future.

The Duke of Edinburgh must be giving this lad lessons.

Not a Teasmade

Works automatically to greet you on awakening with coffee, orange juice, and a hot, toasted muffin.

Am I the only one trying to figure out how you clean the bloody thing?

French Tank: Six gears, All Reverse

France is rejoining NATO and the Daily Mail reminds us of what we've been missing all these years.

Au Votre Sante

If you're in Paris this weekend (and who isn't? I have no idea what that means, but it sounded cool) They're uncorking a bottle of Perrier-Jouët Vintage 1825; the oldest drinkable champagne in the world that is so rare that the monetary value cannot be calculated.

In other words, you really don't want to take a bottle of this to a party and see it vanish into a punchbowl full of sangria.

Sub Crash

According to The Daily Mail, the nuclear ballistic submarines HMS Vanguard and Le Triomphant collided in the Atlantic on the night of February 3rd and Vanguard had to be towed back to Faslane.

If Vanguard had gone down, Britain's nuclear deterrent would have been reduced to a farce. As it is, we're going to be in a hell of a spot until Vanguard comes out of dry dock. Now that two bomber boats managed to ram into one another, maybe someone at the Admiralty MOD will wake up and realise that ships do tend to sink from time to time and that's why the Royal Navy needs at least a one-third surplus in every class of the fleet to absorb casualties.

If New Labour feels that this will cost too much, then maybe a few Jihadist clerics can do without their benefit cheques for a few weeks.

Chriac Mauled by Clinically Depressed Poodle

It isn't often that justice falls into such perfect poetic balance.

Snail Caviare

Next up: rat cheese.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.
I want her to pitch my next screenplay.

We Didn't Listen!

Out of France comes the news that the price of escargot is due to skyrocket due to production shortages.

Mind you, I wasn't aware of the "peak snail" theory.

The Fly Sings!

An opera based on David Croenenberg's 1986 film version of The Fly debuts in Paris at the Théâtre du Châtelet on Wednesday.

This use of cinematic material as a basis for... WHAT!?!?!

Frenching The Army

France is reducing it's army with combat-ready forces cut from 50,000 to 30,000.

Number of white flags remains constant.

Le Hamster Français

Ah, the European Commission; a selfless body dedicated to promoting free trade and peaceful understanding between sovereign nations–unless you refuse to follow its diktats to the letter regarding hamster preservation, in which case they'll come down on you like a bag of hammers.

Le Grand Frère Vous Observe

Planning a night on the town in Paris? Then plan to be breathalysed–even if you're not driving.

Good to see that the French police have so much spare time now that the "youths" torching cars problem is under control.

Le Bouche Artificielle

French scientists create an robot mouth.

When they start working on the other end, I'm leaving.

Pleasure-Tower Half Mile High

Intended to produce spectacular views and unbelievable car sickness.

Pre-Edison Sound

A sound recording made two decades before Thomas Edison invented the phonograph.

The only snag is that the earlier machine's recordings couldn't be played back until now, so it was a tad on the pointless side.

Pee Rubber

From Gizmodo:

A new rubber compound that's made from fatty acids and a component of urine retains its shape to such a degree that it can be cut in half with a knife and then repair itself, retaining its original form.

Adrian Monk was really not available for comment.

French Courage

From Yahoo.news:

More than 1,000 police, some wearing black hoods, raided housing projects outside Paris in a massive sweep Monday, kicking open doors and detaining 33 people in a search for rioters who led an outburst of violence last year, a prosecutor said.

This is France? If this keeps up, they might actually end up not surrendering this time.

Mao Mystery

French car maker Citroen has apologised for an advert featuring Mao Tse Tung after complaints that it was an "insult."

Would someone please explain to me why insulting the memory of a vicious tyrant who was the greatest mass murderer in history is anything for any sane person to apologise for.

A French Response

While New Labour claims with a straight face that Britain is not at war, France ups the ostrich ante by declaring that "vandals" torching 372 cars on New Years made the night "relatively calm."

And the Blitz was scattered precipitation.

Futuro For Sale

Mark you calendars, because one of the few surviving examples of the infamous Futuro house is up for sale in Paris on 27 November.

Yes, for as little as $220,222 you too can enjoy uncomfortable moulded furnishings, a cramped kitchen, too-low windows and all the privacy of the third-class waiting room at Waterloo station.

But it's (or was) the FUTURE!

Shadow Riots

Paris is again burning as "youths" attack policemen and set cars alight.

As per form, the BBC shows its hard-hitting get-to-the-bottom-of-things journalism by stalwartly refusing to identify the "youths" in any way shape or form; including running a series of photos that make it appear as if the riots are being conducted by invisible men.

Metric Meanderings

Another reason why the Imperial system is superior to the anachronistic metric: Kilograms are unreliable.

The Mountain Comes to Mohammed

If someone had told me four years ago that the new president of France would be making conciliatory overtures to the United States, I'd have thought him stark raving mad.

Dog Washer & the Disappearing Carl

If you're in Poitiers, France and have $30,000 going spare, you can pick up this automatic doggie washing machine that will have your pup squeaky clean in no time.

The odds against this one showing up at Chez Szondy are precisely zero. I have enough trouble getting Carl the Cattle Dog out from under the bed at bath time as it is. Faced with this thing, I doubt if we'd ever see anything beyond the tip of his tail again.

A Humiliating Turn of Events

Headline from The Van Der Galiën Gazette:

French Intellectuals Accuse Dutch of “Unacceptable Cowardice”

It's offical; pigs fly!

30 Reasons to Hate the French

Amazingly, their obsession with Jerry Lewis only comes in at 16.

Marcel Marceau: 1923-2007

Marcel Marceau has passed away at the age of 84.

He's to be buried in an invisible box.

If You Want Peace, Prepare for War

From the Telegraph:

The world should "prepare for war" with Iran, the French foreign minister has said, significantly escalating tensions over the country's nuclear programme.

Bernard Kouchner said that while "we must negotiate right to the end" with Iran, if Teheran possessed an atomic weapon it would represent "a real danger for the whole world".

The world should "prepare for the worst... which is war", he said.

At last we know where David Cameron shipped all those Conservative party spines.

Alphaville

And now, your bit of turgid and pretentious Saturday French New Wave Sci Fi: Alphaville.

La Grenouille Sautante

Bon chance, mon Colonel!

A retired French colonel plans to be the first man to break the sound barrier in free fall by jumping from a helium balloon 25 miles up in the stratosphere.

A commendable ambition, but we suggest that le colonel should take along one of those parachute things just in case.

Gorbachev Bagged.

Former leader of the former Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev has landed a deal to endorse French luggage bags. What makes this footnote interesting is this anodyne assessment of Mr. Gorbachev's career by the BBC:

Mr Gorbachev's far-reaching reforms of the Soviet system accelerated the collapse of communism in the 1980s.

Far reaching reforms indeed. It's pity that the Beeb feels it unnecessary to point out that the collapse of Communism and the disintegration of the USSR are exactly the opposite of what Mr. Gorbachev intended when he launched Glasnost.

A tiny detail, but a telling one.

Evening the Odds

Leave it to the French to bend logic until it breaks as President Sarkosy explains why his country is helping Libya to build nuclear power plants.

"Nuclear power is the energy of the future," he said. "If we don't give the energy of the future to the countries of the southern Mediterranean, how will they develop themselves? And if they don't develop, how will we fight terrorism and fanaticism?"

The president added that if the West considered that Arab countries were "not sensible enough to use civilian nuclear power", this would risk a "war of civilizations".

Aside from the fact that Libya already has plenty of oil to produce power, that Colonel Gaddafi is as flaky as a box of corn flakes, and that he has a track record of trying to get his hands on WMDs, if there is even the remotest chance of a "war or civilisations" wouldn't be prudent to forget appeasing our enemies in favour of making certain that they be kept as far from getting nuclear weapons as possible?

But then France wouldn't have anyone to surrender to.

French Election Update

From The Age:

Paris violence mars Sarkozy victory

And they're off!

Sarkozy Wins

The media got a major reality check today as the French elected Nicolas Sarkozy to the presidency despite everyone from Libération to the BBC World Service refusing to believe that Segolene Royal, the Socialist candidate and darling of the left-wing Soixantehuitard establishment, wasn't in with a chance.

Mind you, I'm not expecting Sarkozky to pull France away from the brink, but at least he won't drive it enthusastically into the Abyss.

Oh yes, the police are also on riot alert for any reaction from the Jihadists suburban "youths."

Surrender Vote

France is going to the polls and Socialist presidential candidate Segolene Royal is stumping hard for the dhimmi vote by declaring it's either elect her or face the wrath of radical Islam.

According to a recent interview:

Choosing Nicolas Sarkozy would be a dangerous choice, Ms. Royal told RTL radio.

It is my responsibility today to alert people to the risk of (his) candidature with regards to the violence and brutality that would be unleashed in the country (if he won), she said.

Pressed on whether there would be actual violence, Mr. Royal said: I think so, I think so, referring specifically to Frances volatile suburbs hit by widespread rioting in 2005.

This is thoroughly nasty in more ways than one. Not only is the "vote for me or else" trope just this side of an outright threat, but if Mdme. Royal somehow defies the polls and is elected, the Jihadists will bellow from the minarets that they are the strong horse and they've pulled off another Spain.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

3 May 2007: French space probe discovers new planet.

4 May 2007: France surrenders.

Update: Be fair, this transmission was involved.

Robosalamander

Scientists from the EPFL in Switzerland and the INSERM research center/University of Bordeaux in France, who have way too much time on their hands, have developed the world's first robot salamander.

Work on the first robonewt is expected to begin soon.

Voyage Dans la Lune

Georges Méliès's 1902 sci-fi classic-- Which is saying something, as the term sci-fi hadn't been invented yet.

And certainly not in French.

Doctor Who Update

If Daleks were French... Which I have always suspected.

Voice of the Cuckoo

Jacques Chirac gave an interview the other day where he dropped this brick about a nuclear-armed Iran,

I would say that what is dangerous about this situation is not the fact of having a nuclear bomb - having one, maybe a second one a little later, well, that's not very dangerous.

Where will it drop it, this bomb? On Israel? It would not have gone 200 metres into the atmosphere before Tehran would be razed.

Of course, he realised what a clanger he'd made and retracted his remarks within 24 hours-- but only the bit about Tehran being razed. Apparently the imams can sleep safely with Chirac at the helm of the Force de Frappe, though no one else will.

Some people suggest that the reporters present should have asked M. Chirac if he was smoking crack. I reject that as ridiculous. The proper question is how much he's been smoking.

Public Smoking Banned in France

French Surrender without a fight. Why am I not surprised?

Quel Dommage!

John Kerry will not be running for president in 2008. That just takes all the fun out of it

I normally don't comment on American politics, but M. Kerry had such a palpable sense of entitlement combined with so much pomposity and a preternatural capacity for self-contradiction that I could no more resist taking shots at him than could a small boy armed with a snowball faced with a fat banker wearing a silk hat.

Au revoir.