A question of motivation

Physiologist Peter Weyand of Southern Methodist University says that it is entirely possible for a man to run at 40 miles per hour.

Having been caught in Liverpool on a wet Saturday night and trying to catch the last train home, I can tell Dr Weyand that this is not only possible, but attainable in walking boots while carrying a rucksack.

Clark Kent, call your service

French scientists at the University of Lyon report finding a strange crystal harder than diamond in a Finnish meteorite.

Superman issues statement saying he's not going near Lyon without a lead suit.

Impossible temptation

BBC headline:

Engineers 'can learn from slime'

Must...resist...Gordon....Brown...joke.

Yeah, yeah, Pha loves Pa. Now gimme the damn fish!

"Scientists" (All two of them) claim that Dolphins should be classed as "non-human persons". As to which species of dolphins are included in this august group and why they're being so racist about the porpoises is left unanswered.

In other new, certain "scientists" will have all sharp objects removed from their reach.

Organ printer

A 3D printer that can potentially create whole organs one cell at a time.

I'm not too keen on this. If you can't dig it up, stitch it together, and throw a bolt of lightning through it, I don't trust it.

Later day Lysenkos

When truth becomes "relative", then truth no longer exists.

Update: The good old days are back.

Update: And while we're at it, let's throw in a bit of democide.

Tea time

Scientists at the University of Lyon take a hard look at the physics of teapot dribbles.

They'll get on that cancer cure as soon as they've finished their chocolate digestives.

Have you seen this man?

Over 2000 people claim to have seen this man in their recurring dreams.

This is either a viral film marketing campaign, a case of poor methodology, or the beginning of a really cool horror story.

How the professor got his tenure

From the annals of the That's Too Much Like Hard Work Department:

• According to Johan Moan, of the Institute of Physics at the University of Oslo, white people evolved only 5500 years ago. His argument for this remarkably recent event is that farmed food is deficient in vitamin D, which darker skin produces from sunlight less efficiently than white.
• Meanwhile, an article in Psychology Review claims that depression came about to help people concentrate.
• And Oren Hasson at Tel Aviv University asserts that people cry because it's a sign of submission or some such.

Good Lord, this is a lazy bunch. Could someone tell me at what point evolutionary science threw out the science bit and devolved (sorry) into a collection of Just So stories that don't need anything as trivial as experimental proof?

The telescope: 400-years old

Today marks the 400th anniversary of Galileo unveiling his telescope in Venice.

To mark the occasion, the American Peeping Toms Society observed a minute of silence.

Care for a rat?

A meat-eating plant big enough to scoff rats.

That's going to make for some awkward parties.

Five galaxy collision

If you think you have it tough, imagine what it's like for these poor bastards who have five galaxies all crashing into each other at the same time.

The insurace premiums must be hell.

Cutting to the chase

Popular Mechanics has an interesting article on how to survive attacks from a mountain lion, alligator, and black bear. Their suggestions are all very good, but they do lack an obvious alternative that we here at EI now provide as a public service.

Surviving an attack by:

• A mountain lion: Unsling the hunting rifle you should have been carrying in the first place, chamber a round, point it at the mountain lion's head, and blow his brains out.
• An alligator: Unsling the hunting rifle you should have been carrying in the first place, chamber a round, point it at the alligator's head, and blow his brains out.
• A black Bear: Unsling the hunting rifle you should have been carrying in the first place, chamber a round, point it at the bear's head, and blow his brains out.

Neat, simple, and to the point.

Science marches on!

The cigarette dispenser that lights your fags for you.

NOW can we talk about that cancer cure?

Out, damn spot!

Scientists in Florida have invented a machine that grasses on you if you haven't washed your hands properly.

So flushed are they with their success, they are now working on one that tells you to put on clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus.

How do you tickle a gorilla?

A group of scientists have discovered that gorillas, chimpanzees and orangutans laugh when you tickle them.

I'd love to have sat in on the grant committee for this one. "Cure for cancer? Naw. Let's go for tickling monkeys."

Sinister Logic

National Geographic headline:

Lefties Survive (Barely) Due to Element of Surprise?

By that sort of convoluted logic, a blind albino hedgehog armed with catapult should rule the world.

It's A Fact... Maybe

Headline from The Times:

We are not alone: 'trillions' of planets could be supporting life

It sounds like a stunning pronouncement until you start to burrow into what Alan Boss, of the Carnegie Institution in Washington, DC is actually saying. All the articles that have reported on this give the impression that the galaxy is so chock full o' life that we'll be tripping over Vulcans in no time. All very exciting, but then it turns out the the number of other "Earths" claimed refer to planet size alone, not temperature, orbit, composition, moons, atmosphere, radiation, age, star type, or other factors involving habitability. Using Mr Boss's criteria, there are at least ten "Earths" in our Solar System alone. A pity only one of them has life on it.

And it gets better. We then learn that not one other "Earth" has been observed; only Super-Earths that Mr Boss suspects are "but the tip of the iceberg", which is unfortunate, as not even the tip of said iceberg has actually been seen and even if it was there's no proof that it would be an iceberg at all. The bottom line: The whole story hinges on nothing but a guess.

I only bring this whole dreary episode up because a) it shows that so-called "journalism" has virtually no capacity to see utter rubbish even when they fall over it and b) it is a classic example of what Robert Crichton was on about in his classic speech on aliens and global warming.

You Are Here

And now, a toroidal model of the super-universe with our universe a mere blemish on its polished service.

It's amazing how some people will expend so much effort to prove themselves utterly insignificant, yet won't take their thinking to it's logical conclusion and lend me £20 until the weekend.

Coffee Jitters

A study at the University of Durham indicates that too much coffee can cause you to hallucinate and... IIIIEEEEEE!!! Get them off! Get them off! Get them off!

Third Hand Smoke: Scourge Of The 21st Century

And they're saying this with a straight face.

Next up: Fourth-hand smopke causes Lurgi.

Putting It More Succinctly

Dr Payam Rezaie of the Open University's Neuropathology Research Laboratory:

BRRRRRRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!!!!!

I Wonder If They Do Samplers

God, this is like those appalling coffee bars. Do I want a skinny grande latte with dry foam or a double tall cappuccino with a vanilla shot or do I dare ask for "Coffee"?

Leap Second

Remember to set your clocks forward one second this evening.

Brought to you by the Anal Retentive Society

Shock Horror

Little Ann (AKA "Me Too!" owing to her reaction

whenever Carl the Cattle Dog gets petted.)

Startling news from the world of psychology: Dogs get jealous.

In other news, the sky is blue, water is wet, and fire is hot.

Talking Turkey

Impenetrable quote of the day regarding modern breeds of turkeys courtesy of the USDA:

Commercial broiler breeder strains, selected for rapid growth and high meat yields, do not adequately regulate voluntary feed intake commensurate with their energy needs. Consequently, these birds must be given a limited amount of feed to avoid overconsumption that can lead to excessive accumulation of energy stores.

Translation: Turkeys are gluttons who don't know when to stop and they get too fat if you let them eat too much.

Blow into this Bag, Please.

Scientists from Zoological Society of London are trying to work out how to breathalyse a sperm whale.

I wasn't aware that cetacean drunk driving was that big a problem.

Told You So

Matriarchal Bonobo apes are as violent, if no more so, than male-dominated chimpanzees. Anthropologists claim that this calls into question the belief that feminist societies would be inherently more peaceful.

Readers of Rudyard Kipling and the Norse sagas just shake their heads in exasperation.

Attack of the Goonch

Giant mutant catfish develops taste for human flesh.

Or it might just be the crocodiles as usual.

And Then They Ate The Forth Bridge

Scientists in Britain have discovered worms that can eat lead, zinc, arsenic, and copper.

Why do I regard this as the first ten minutes of a Doomwatch episode?

Bottom News

From Nature News:

Genetic study investigates the origin of the anus

Cancer cure coming as soon as they can get their head out of their...

At Least the Vogons Deliver

Okay, so the Large Hadron Collider was fired up and the Earth wasn't sucked into a black hole.

Fine. Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a massive hangover and I have to take my somewhat dented Lamborghini back to the dealer, return a great deal of stuff to the shops, make a lot of apologies to various editors, and get in touch with my solicitor about when my case comes up for trial.

Bloody CERN.

Men Without Chests

Dr. Sean Spence of the University of Sheffield suggests that drugs can be developed that will improve men's morals.

I really must press this one in my scrap book as a perfect example of not thinking through the implications of one's arguments.

Update: And if you think this is an isolated case, take a look at this "Be Green or it's Room 101 for you, m'lad" argument that the 148,000-member American Psychological Association is advocating.

Ghosts

Another installment in our ongoing effort to provide our readers with the latest from the world of science.

Freewill: Yes or... Nevermind

I'm always fascinated by thinkers who assert that man is without freewill. It isn't that they hold such views that amuses me, but rather that if they really do believe such a thing, then why do they bother to tell anyone?

Now, if you will excuse me, I must go and explain to the chair that it is, in fact, a chair.

Night of the Living Dead Microbes

We're not using the "Z" word!

Magnetic Movie

Magnetic Movie from Semiconductor on Vimeo.
You mean the rest of you can't see this too?

The Sound of a St. Paul's Cathedral Jelly

Now they're just messing about.

Cow Farts

Scientists in Germany are strapping balloons to the back of cows to collect their farts.

Ever since they found that cure for cancer they've had way too much time on their hands.

Prince Rupert's Drops

If you've never encountered one of these, you've led an impoverished life. We used to play with these ordinary-looking glass drops at university. They're so strong that you can pound them with a hammer, but don't snap their tails or you're in for an explosive surprise.

Supermosquito

News out of Britain courtesy of National Geographic:

U.K. scientists are genetically modifying mosquitoes to be resistant to malaria, which kills millions annually.

Kills millions annually and these poxy scientists have a problem with that? My God, what sort of... Oh. I thought they meant millions of mosquitoes annually. My apologies.

Solar Power Outage

The Sun is supposed to be entering a new phase of activity, but is two years late. According to Saku Tsuneta with the National Astronomical Observatory of Japan,

It continues to be dead,. It's a small concern, a very small concern.

Um... I've got some jumper cables, if that's any help.

Sheep Farts

New Zealand scientists find cure for sheep flatulence.

We asked for one for cancer, but this will have to do.

Hillbilly Science

Australian scientists proclaim that it's okay for first cousins to procreate.

This is why we don't let scientists decide issues of morality.

Panda Power

What's with the panda in the garden, David?

Well, I heard they were really good at predicting earthquakes and... Okay, maybe it wasn't that great an idea.

Future Man

Overlooking the fact that science is meant to serve man and not the opposite, Prof. John Harris discusses bioengineering and the future of man, which includes this little insight that doesn't even blink at the thought of replacing mankind with creatures out an Olaf Stapledon novel:

Some of these possibilities are so radical that the creatures benefiting from them would no longer be “human”, in the way we think of it. The end of humanity then is not in itself a concern; making sure that those who replace us are better than we are is a huge and timely concern.

When a professor of bioethics talks like this, it makes the most bloodstained Druid look like a humanitarian in comparison.

Atomic Earth

Scientists suspect that the Earth's core is a giant nuclear reactor.

Greenpeace demands immediate shutdown of planet.

X-Microbe

Just when you thought that Avian Flu thing was over and done with, we now have something new to panic about: Radioactive bacteria.

Godzilla was unavailable for comment.

Grassoline

Al Fin looks at a new process for converting biomass cellulose into petrol (gasoline to you colonials).

Unfortunately, this conversion of grass to gas doesn't involve forcing the peasants people to wear hair shirts or submit to social engineering, so don't expect the environmentalists to fall all over themselves to back this.

Hypercube

Think once. Think twice Think: Don't muck about with the fourth dimension.

Global Warming-- Eventually

It's official: The Sun is going to swallow the Earth.

We only have 7.6 billion years, so get your affairs in order while you can.

Onion Non-Sob Story

Scientists in New Zealand and Japan have created the world's first tear-free onion.

Do we have the right to play God?

Got Carrot?

Scientists at the Baylor College of Medicine in Texas have developed a GM carrot with the nutritional value of milk and cheese.

The front runner in the arse-backward thinking award has just been found.

Factory Reconditioned

Scientists at the University of Minnesota have succeeded in using stem cells to "refurbish" a dead heart; making it fit to start beating again.

Baron Victor Frankenstein was unavailable for comment.

When Worlds Collide

A giant cloud of hydrogen gas is about to collide with our galaxy.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In 40 million years.

Never mind. Carry on.

A Matter of Scale

Putting things into perspective.